I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
You Might Also Like
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Are we there yet?…
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT