If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.