Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Note to self: always read the final line

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.