I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’