I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture