DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.