It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Dietest Coke
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too