I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Living the best life.. 😊
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.