I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Dishonest mechanic?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner