Dishonest mechanic?
You Might Also Like
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE