Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The first one, obviously
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.