So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

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*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*


If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.


Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.


ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a


Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard


“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.