So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Me, reading some of your tweets
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
this has done me in for some reason
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.