@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

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@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@AnOrangeSNES

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

@Havish_AF

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

@clichedout

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@Carbosly

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.