Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.