Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”