Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5