You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
black phone good
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.