What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
According to math, I’m broke
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.