mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
crochet youtube is brutal
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Gemma Correll
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.