Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
You Might Also Like
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER