Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
The Struggle
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.