Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”