My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.