Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Practicing safe sax
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Feels like the fourth month in January
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.