I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what