I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk