Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box