@ElenaChainHelp1

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

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@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

@gavinspeiller

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@murrman5

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

@jonnysun

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”