Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
necessity is the mother of invention
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.