Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.