Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*