Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash