GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.