Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit