I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?