(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
welp
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.