Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Customize Your Wedding.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION