me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The pasta is now
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.