I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
RT if you could go either way.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic