They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.