*looks at you in batman voice*
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.