Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong