We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
He wanted to make sure😂
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times