I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
How animals would run if they were human
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.