I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
how to exercise your calf muscles
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
#SaturdayBears
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.