i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
This is my pinned tweet
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.