As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
the pigeons are already plenty salty
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.