[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.