People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
You Might Also Like
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.