Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots