My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Oh no
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
let’s discuss
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.