My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Hot Hot Hot
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor