Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Banana is the quietest snack
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.