A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.