Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
THIS HEADLINE
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping