At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
(more comics:
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.