Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I feel it
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
felt that
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.