Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Solving a traffic jam
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this